On The Curb

I know you have been on the edge on your seat in anticipation of all the ‘L’ words that rock my world. I apologize for the sleep you’ve lost while waiting in such suspense. If you worked yourself into a nervous frenzy of irritable bowels, again, I apologize.

A full brigade of phone company repair trucks lined the streets of my neighborhood all day yesterday, all for my one little phone line. It posed quite the challenge, apparently being “open” in two different places (whatever that means…any phone savvy folks out there?…how does a phone line become “open” twice?).

But, just before dark, my phone finally rang for the first time in a day and a half (it really doesn’t ring very often anyway as i’m not big on the phone…i’m quite svelte on the phone, ahem). I was excited to see my email finally check itself to reveal 53 emails…53? Did the blogosphere really miss me that much? No, no, no. My mother who rarely calls or emails, but when she does it is rapid machine gun fire over and over. She and brother P are visiting and seeing the twins for the first time tomorrow. She fired off email after email, listing things that she’d like to see while she’s here. No, not sites around the city. No, not babies. Gifts she’s given the kids over the years. The last request was -

Con’t. koala blankets etc.. Also, the crystal vase I sent to you & Gab. RSVP Love, Mom
Gigi

Ok. See how’s it “Con’t”? Yes, there was quite the laundry list preceding this last email. And, umm, crystal vase? Whoa, I’m clueless on that one. Lastly, I don’t know who the hell ‘Gigi’ is.

Annnywaaaay. The phone and internet was back last night, but I was a lazy, lethargic, lousy loser. As I was saying Monday afternoon…

(Letter de Leo Reynolds)

L is for Lazy, Lethargic, Lousy Loser. Hi! ::madly waving:: I’m totally over here!!

You know I was home with the bay-beez “alone” all weekend. I could feign inability to make it to the computer yesterday. One twin drooled a sizable pool on the hardwood floor which I then slip in, thus crashing to my near death. While splayed flat on my back, the twins skootch up to me and suck my entrails through both n!pples while Gab proceeds (not the eyes! not the eyes!) to poke out my eyes with her sturdy toddler eye-poker-outers fingers.

Yes, but no. Twas not the case. I was just damn lazy yesterday. L-A-Z-Y. Apropos for ‘L’ day, yes?

(you know, i think i lost a reader way back with my misspelling of ‘apropos’…it was one of those, ‘i know this is spelled incorrectly, but my brain just passed a whopping balloon of cerebral butt gas which is rendering me completely stupid at the moment, so i’m leaving it horribly misspelled’ days. karen, are you there? i really am not a complete ‘tard. i’m just lazy sometimes. ahem.)

• Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore- Yes, I realize I continue throwing this book in your face. I tend to do that with books I highly enjoy. However, my badgering ‘Read it! Read it! Read it!’ approach tends to scare people away. I know. I don’t learn my lesson. Bad, dee, bad. While I’m all up in your personal space, Read it! Read it! Read it! may I recommend Robbins‘ Another Roadside Attraction and Sedaris‘ Me Talk Pretty One Day? For the gazillionth time.
  • No need, really, to summarize Lamb. It’s all there in the title. Which, I think, is what scares people away. They are in one of either two camps:
    1. I am deeply religious and highly offended you could even suggest Jesus associated with a character named Biff. Hey, it’s ok. ‘Biff’ is just a nickname. He is actually Levi bar Alphaeus.
    2. I am not religious and do not believe in Jesus, much less his buddy, Biff. Hey, that’s ok, too. It’s a fictional tale designed to make you laugh.

• Library - We are all about the library in this family. I am always amazed and slightly appalled when I learn someone doesn’t go to the library. It is chock full of wonderful treasures and, most importantly, they are FREE.
  • Gab loves the age-appropriate story times they offer each week. Her 1-2 year old group sings several songs, repeats rhymes, listens to a couple of stories read by a highly animated/voice brought to you by Helium, Inc. librarian, and finishes off the half-hour session with a snack. Stories and free food? Come on. Jump on this gravy train.
    • The 2-3 year old group substitutes snacks with crafts. Since Gab turned 2 this past January, I haven’t yet gotten the balls strapped on together to tote the entire zoo crew for story time. But, soon, I will. I’ve ordered a double stroller with a seat on back for Gab which, in theory, should make such excursions a bit more doable. Or, at least contain all the screaming banshees within one cage on wheels.
  • Gav is all about high speed internet on computers that don’t suggest, “Wouldn’t you rather gaze upon this rotating rainbow wheel of torture instead of wasting your time on Runescape with 56-year old males pretending to be 15-year old girls who want to meet you at the roller skating rink in Tennessee?” The RAM on my Mac has extended its belt buckle way out past the last hole. It takes me ages to get anything done. I have far more patience than the ‘gotta have it now’ 12-year old. So, he jumps at the opportunity to use the library computers. (i wish i could say he strolls the aisles, seeking the next great read)
  • I’m all over the books, dvds, and cds. Sometimes I get so crazy with it, I actually reserve everything online. Then, I don’t even have to scour the shelves. Since the arrival of the twins, my library time has dwindled to nil, but like I said earlier, soon to be rolling caged banshees. The quiet library folk will love me.
  • Need I add how handy the library is in times of internetlessness? I.Love.The.Library.