Mother’s Day recap…if you dare

Yeh, yeh, you all had a great, wonderful, magically delicious Mother’s Day. Bite me. (i probably taste terrible, btw, as i am a meat gobbler…oh woops, your mind just fell in the gutter…let me help you fish it out…i am not a vegetarian would be a better choice of words)

I’ve been out in the blogging neighborhood and read all about your breakfasts in bed, your quiet times to nap, your peaceful strolls, your adoring handmade gifts. Congratulations to you all. Bask in your motherly love.

Me? You can find my mug on next year’s Adopt A Harried, Underappreciated Mom’s list. I’ll be the one fashioning a noose from my own grayed, brittle locks. (obviously just a cry for help as these brittle tresses would never sustain my weight)

Oh, my day wasn’t all bad. It began and ended fair enough, just a bit crappy in the middle.

Saturday, E had his mom watch the kids thus allowing the two of us to go out (again! out in public without my caravan! twice in one month…i’m obviously becoming a neglectful mother) to dinner. Dinner was delicious…the always yummy P.F. Chang’s…I know it’s a chain, but my stomach loves the lettuce wraps. I practically lick the plate clean (o.k…i don’t lick it, but maybe i run my finger across the plate).

This was quite the loaded dinner as, besides Mother’s Day, it also encompassed:

• Valentine’s Day – I know this is a frivolous occasion. I’m all for showing your love any ole dang day. But, hey, some pretty panties laid in my lap on this day can’t hurt, you know? Instead, I got the requisite card I always get from E with one of two possible messages – “I’ll do better next year” or “Your present is coming later.”
• My Birthday – The card. That’s all from E. My brazilian friend who I’ve mentioned here more than once came through with gifts and cake. You’ll see her make another appearance in today’s post.
• Day long twin birth extravaganza – I got a pat on the back and “I’m taking you out to dinner,” after successfully giving birth myyyyyyy waaaayyyyyy.
• Anniversary/New Year’s – Being gargantuan in size this past year, I wasn’t up for attending any parties or watching people get sloshed. Instead, we stayed home and a cranky E played some Xbox and went to bed early. Oh, and I got the card. Cards.

Although not noted it each event up there, an eventual dinner was offered each time. Hence, the LOADED dinner on Saturday.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect gifts or money to be spent on me. My happiness would know no boundaries if maybe I got a nap or 30 minutes to sit quietly by myself or just everyone be nice for the day. Really, I am very easy to please.

Sunday. I get up with all of the kids (as usual). E takes off around 8 a.m. as he’s offered to do some landscaping work behind his workplace. On Sunday. On Mother’s Day. And, he’s not a landscaper.

The morning was actually quite pleasant. Gav helped me load up the little ones, we fetched some drive-thru breakfast (because i’m high-class like that), and visited a local lake/pond to eat, chase hang out with the swans, geese, ducks, and turtles, and casually stroll around the lake.

Back home, I prepare some chicken to grill later. Chicken that I will grill.

Then, Mr. Cranky McCrankington came home. The hours of 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. can be sucked into a black hole, free to comingle with the Minnie Mouse watch I lost when I was 5 years old and my former hourglass figure, never to be heard from again.

I will share one tidbit from the forbidden time span. After marinating the chicken for a few hours, I head out to get the grill going and mutter profanity to myself. I’m filled to the rim with anything but Brim. This is to be my cool down/steam releasing time.

Drag the economy sized bag of charcoal from the shed. Dump said coals on aforementioned grill. Tilt my head to one side wondering when the fashion norm for coals went from black to fuzzy light green. Let me take this time to share the shed building story with you.

It’s no secret that E is in no way mechanically inclined. Nor is his father. This would be the perfect spot to insert a joke about the two of them trying to screw in a light bulb. What do you get when E and his father try to screw in a light bulb? Darkness.

Ahem. So, E wisely hired someone else to build the shed. And, payed him in beer.

Only, I guess the beer payment did not include the final touch of adding the doors to the shed. Or the guy was too sloshed come door adding time. Or maybe it was getting dark. I don’t remember.

All E had to do was put the doors up which seemed an easy enough task. Still he enlisted his dad to help and they got to work the next day. Strangely, there were extra pieces remaining. Oh, let’s just toss these in the trash.

A few days later, I check out the new outdoor storage facility and notice there’s no way to add a padlock to the doors. The doors that don’t perfectly come together. And, pieces seem to be missing.

They put the doors on backwards and upside down.

You can’t lock the shed.

And, it rains like a motherf*cker in the front half of the shed.

Where the charcoal was stored.

And, now it’s all mildewed.

I doubt mildew infused chicken is tasty. Or healthy.

So, my alone time at the grill is nixed to buy fresh, DRY charcoal. (i hadn’t showered in ~33 hours at that point. my shirt had the mark of ethan/regurgitated b00b juice everywhere. my legs were prickly bloated porcupines. my hair a constant frizzy mess. not that any of these details matter. it’s not like it was mother’s day or anything.)

Yakety yak.

My Brazilian friend shows up around 6 p.m., thus ringing in the turning of the tide. She brought food (side items for the bbq’ed shicken), gifts (books: Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson, and Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez), and a huge honkin’ pudim (Brazilian flan…photo is not my particular pudim but brought to you by roney via Flickr…and i bet it’s just as delicious).

And, she slipped a card for Gav to sign. Since Gav is past the age of making gifts for Mom at school, he’s on his own. He hopped in the car Friday with a chocolate cake he won in a cake walk at school. When I reminded him that Mother’s Day was on Sunday, “Ohhhh, uhhhh, how ’bout a yummy chocolate cake for Mother’s Day?” ::wink wink:: Slick one, Gav.

That was my Mother’s Day. Oh, I almost forgot. E gave me money the next day for an eye exam and contact lenses. I exhausted my last box of contact lenses over a year ago and have been wearing the warped glasses with which Miss Gab occasionally spends quality alone time bending this way and that. If you notice, in any photos I have posted of myself here, I look like I’ve just raised my head from a K.O. Glasses all askew.

And, my yearly eye exam. Practical and necessary.

I’m requesting a pap smear for Christmas.