Kidz in zee newz

Okay, my kids aren’t making national headlines. Just your local bloglines here. Well, international bloglines now that I think about it. Hey, that’s mega headlines. (okay, i’ll stop thinking and just move along now)

Let’s start with the weest of wee ones…los twins. I never gave you the skinny on the fat of their 4-month check-up (now that they’re almost 5-months…timeliness is not my strong suit).

• Alani had reached 13 pounds, steadily creeping up her own growth curve. She looks so small just eyeballing her, but girth-wise she and Ethan are wearing the same size onesies (i love onesies btw…that’s basically the only attire each of my baby kids has worn, even gav back in his day…why aren’t we as adults snapping our clothes 3 times in the crotch?)
• Ethan, the whopper with cheese no onions (that’s how my whopper rolls), was over 17 pounds at 4 months. He’s resting at the top of his growth curve, but the doctor did make sure to inform us that he’s just big, nothing pathological. He’s so large, people have started asking how far apart in age he and Alani are. They think she’s a newborn and he’s already reached his first birthday.
• Lengths/heights: Both were hitting the 26 inch mark with Alani just a half inch longer/taller.
• Both are jabberwackies with their constant squealing, babbling, goo-gooing and baa-baaing. It really is adorable to watch. They don’t necessarily communicate with each other at this point (although alani gave ethan a major hicky on his heel yesterday…what she was trying to communicate other than, ‘hey bro, pass the hot sauce,’ i’m not sure…those chubby feet make ideal teething toys). Their babble is mostly self-centered, just testing and perfecting the all mighty voice box.
• Alani has calmed a bit on the caterwauling frontier. Her key to calm is to nap on a regular basis. I know, I know. That’s the key to everyone’s calm, especially babies. But, Little Miss Nap Nazi Gab makes it her business to keep all eyelids open at all times around here. “No nap for you!”
  • I at least get Alani snoozing in a swing in her room at regular intervals while entertaining Gab on the opposite end of the house. (yes, i’ve cloned myself…my clone is quite an efficient little b!tch) Ethan, he who can sleep through dynamite blasts, is easy…I can plop him down quite literally anywhere and he’ll sooth himself off to la-la land.

Let’s skip over Gab for now (as she’s occupying the bottom rung of my totem pole of happiness at the moment) and chat about Gav for a bit.

Gav came barreling in the house last Friday, sweating and gasping for breath. What follows is a string of words you never want to hear spewing from your child’s lips…

THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY! I’M GONNA BE ARRESTED! HIDE ME!

Keep in mind, Gav’s 12 years old, an all-A honor student (which, yeh, i know in this day and age doesn’t mean he’s incapable of creating some havoc…the last week of school he landed in school suspension for telling a girl, “If you don’t stop making that farting noise with your book, I’m going to bury you six feet under”…according to school rules, that was an indirect threat, although he kept harping, “But, Mom, it was sarcasm! I was being sarcastic!”…oh dear, my sarcasm needled its way in the poor guy’s genes). Gav thinks a glass of wine makes you an alcoholic, and also thinks people who curse are toothless, crapping in the woods rednecks (i am sometimes toothless and occasionally relieve myself behind some nearby shrubbery while consuming wine from a box ::yeehaw hiccup:: all to say, sometimes i speaketh with forked tongue).

Back to Gav.

So, wild-eyed Gav starts pacing the length of the house, I’m juggling two babies, he’s peering outside through closed curtains, and rambling at supersonic speeds. All I can catch are “Cat” “Old lady” “Ditch” “this kid” “that kid” “that girl” “that old lady” “BB gun”

::screech:: goes the needle across the record

Did he just say BB gun? And cat? And old lady? Aww, shit.

Turns out the cat phase of the story did not coincide with the BB gun. Thank my lucky charms.

Gav “found” a cat, picked it up, and carried it to this and that boys’ house. Their house is in direct line of sight with this snooty old unfriendly redneck bitch woman who lives across the street (e and i have tried on multiple occasions to speak to her…she will not even look in our direction). I guess she sent her daughter (or granddaughter? i really i have no idea their relation aside from the fact that they smoke together in their driveway…her smoking buddy) to fetch the cat who was already off licking its butt in someone else’s yard by that point.

Gav went on to add how this or that boy asked him to hold the BB gun (he says this and that boy were shooting cans and he did nothing but hold the ’shoot your eye out’ apparatus that one time…who knows) about the same time this bitch woman decided to yell across the yards, “I’m calling the cops on you, boy.” (i had not realized i was living in cootsville until this point)

I figured it was all just a bunch of silly drama and tried getting Gav to unwind. But, sure enough, up cruised a cop car in front of the house. I hadn’t showered, wasn’t wearing a bra, doubt I’d even brushed my teeth, Alani was now screaming, Ethan’s puked all over my shirt, Gab’s dressed only in a soggy diaper,…”Hi, Jerry Springer? Yes, I’m booked and ready to appear on your Thursday episode of Who Dat Baby’s Daddy. Do I have to wear shoes? What about pants? Are those optional as well?”

The black-and-white was talking to the old hag woman across the street.

I braced myself for our turn, but 10 minutes later he cruised up the street and hung a left towards this and that boys’ house. Whew.

This and that boys’ mom later came to our house explaining the “mishap” and how old hag woman across the street has it out for her kids because her 4-year old mooned the woman a year ago. Go figure.

Hey, are you still here? ::nudge nudge:: Wake up. That was my rambling way to say Gav is out of school for summer vacation. Yippee.

I’ll try not to be so blabber mouthy with Gab’s update. (who is presently being adorable roaming around the house in Gav’s scream mask…my definition of adorable might vary slightly from yours…deranged, adorable…they’re much the same around here)